Feeling low...

Sorry I've been so quiet recently.

I warn you, this is not a cheery blip.

I've been feeling really low.
I've been feeling like I can't control anything going on in my life.

I find myself being on the brink of tears all the time.

It's only when I actually think about it that I have a lot going on in my life.

1) Break down of a serious relationship in June.
2) Falling out with my best friend
3) Pregnant sister
4) K
5) Medical issues
6) Work

I need to talk about these things - vent a bit. Sorry to those reading this. Turn off now if you want :)

1) Break down of a serious relationship in June
I blipped about this when it happened.
This is when I can pinpoint these low feelings starting. 3 months ago. A break up will nearly always put anyone in a bad mood. I don't seem to have picked up at all. My mood has deteriorated more since then.
I can't blame J or the relationship for this. Just my frame of mind.
Now me and J are getting along again, and things are good. So this is not something that is primarily causing distress, but probably the cause of it all, thinking back.

2) Falling out with my best friend
Again, something I blipped about and DEFINITELY something that is causing a lot of distress.
K's who I spoke to when I needed someone. I would vent and she'd cheer me up. I've needed to vent a lot and I haven't had her there. The other people in my life have a lot of things on their mind too and I don't want to burden them. But sometimes I feel like screaming. I need to talk to someone, unburden, be selfish, just for a little bit. I want to be a young adult with issues that I need to talk about. However small they seem, when it's added up, it's too much for me to tolerate on my own.
I miss my best friend. When I was upset, we didn't necessarily always talk about it, but she had some uncanny way of cheering me up.
Don't get me wrong, there are other people who can do that, but she's known me for 10 years....There aren't a lot of people who have the same ways as she does.
So that's most certainly getting me down. Not only can I now not talk to the person who wouldn't judge me for anything I had to say, but I've also lost a best friend who would cheer me up and come out with me and keep my head screwed on.

3) Family
This isn't so much an issue.
It's just, as a family, there's a lot going on.
My sister's pregnant, which is wonderful news.
My brother is still in residential care (not so good news)
So between my sister, my brother, work and my medical problems, my mind can't fit anything else in. I'm either thinking about my sister and wondering how she's getting on, or thinking about the little brother I miss dearly (whose birthday is coming up), or thinking about the shitty customers I have to deal with at work and that I have to be up and ready in 8 hours, or just merely forgetting things with my medical problems. There's no room for anything else. I can't think about ANYTHING and I'm struggling to control many aspects of my life.
I've started controlling things that I shouldn't be. Meticulously making sure I don't overeat. I don't want it to become an issue. But I've been too scared to tell anyone, until tonight.

4) Medical issues
So I'm still getting migraines. FUNNY THAT!! My memory is still not spot on either.
Before, I was forgetting whole days.
Now, my short term memory is shocking. Like yesterday. In J's car, I was playing on his phone. A minute later, I saw it on the side and questioned if I'd put it there. That's when he told me that I'd given it back to him and he'd put it there. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. It's freaky, because one minute I'm fine and the next I'm not.
I want it to be normal again.
I miss my mind. I used to have this fantastic memory. I can remember the birthdays of people I've only met once. Now I couldn't even tell you what I was doing 10 minutes ago. As it is, I'll have to read this back when I'm done so I can remember what I wrote, despite being in the process of writing it.
I've been watching this same disc of The Tudors, because everything seems so new, like I've never seen it before.
I want my own mind!! It's crazy. I don't want to rely on other people to tell me what I've been doing and what I've been saying.
I just want to be me again.
Talking to Mum tonight, she thinks I need to go and talk to my GP.
I'm not the type of person to ask for this kind of help.
I feel stupid.
I worry the GP will laugh and just say that I'm over exaggerating. People CONSTANTLY tell me I need to chill and that drives me mental. It's easier said than done.
I do feel like I need help. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
I don't get enjoyment out of things I used to.
Nothing excites me.
Life just feels, if I'm honest, shit.
I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
I just want to sleep for a very long time and for me to wake up and there not be a care in the world.

5) Work
The main thing.
I love my job.
I'm a salesperson for Vodafone, and I'm good at it.
I've been top salesperson in my store since I started and love the competition.
But I'm tired.
Tired of dealing with the same issues.
Tired of dealing with the same old customers.
Tired of dealing with the same conflicts.
I start work, muddle through the day, get home and my mind is still on work.
Thinking about what I have to do tomorrow.
Stressing about targets.
Stressing about money.
Stressing about everything.
My contract is 32 hours a week and I'm more than happy to work overtime. The 32 hours breaks down as 4 days a week.
This week I worked 6. I was supposed to work 9:30-4 with a half hour lunch break and ended up working 9:00-6 with a minimal lunch break due to how busy the store was. Today I was supposed to work 9:00-5:30 with a half hour lunch break and again had a minimal lunch break and didn't leave till 6.
I'm really tired.
Exhausted.
I need to sleep.
But I can't.



Sorry for the rambling.
It's just all on my mind and I know I won't be able to sleep until it's all of my chest.

I just need a hug.

A xx

PS. Tomorrow, Sunday September 18th, is my Dad's birthday. Happy birthday Dad. Love you xx