Just call me Cassius...

..another sleepless night, for reasons various...

I wish I were fat, reminded by the line by Caesar-

"let me have men about me that are fat, sleek-headed men,
and such as sleep o' nights.
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look:
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous..."

I wake, on the hour, every hour, fearing things I have actually lost or couldn't bear to lose.
My mother, lost, except in dreams and memories.
My daughter, beautifully, thankfully present, but in dreams lost in crowds or to fickle fate.
Friends and lovers swept away by disaster compounded by my lack of fantastic intervention.
Terribly realistic scenarios of a life long wished for, suddenly and painfully cut short or transformed into a life belonging to someone else, unattainable.

Perhaps its time to call the men in white coats.

Or maybe the curse of the lapsed Catholic are these Hellish dreams, a not-so-subtle reminder that our Almighty God, the one beaten into us in school, and since rejected, has not gone away but is just lurking on the fringes, waiting for a chance.....

Bring it on, Yahweh, or Jehovah, or whatever name you care to trade under these days.

I will start believing in you when you return the compliment.