Restless

Some days it's tricky to find a photo, others it's hard to work out what to write. Today's one of the latter. This is the view over my right shoulder when I sit at my desk. I look out my door through the laundry, and outside. In the distance is a chopping block, before that a 44 gallon drum, with an assortment of odds and ends stacked on top. I've wanted to take a shot like this for while now, but it's very hard to make the cat stay still long enough for me to find my camera, set it and shoot. Someday I'll try again, perhaps with someone standing beside Pippin. But this will do for today.

You can stop reading now if you like. What follows is largely a therapeutic rant about my prospects of ever working out what I should do with my life. I don't mind putting it on the interwebs, but you might find it rather dull. :)


I always find this time of semester difficult (see this time last semester to compare). Uni is pressing in, becoming more insistent that I work hard, and the motivation to work hard slowly seeps away. It's replaced with a longing to eat my breakfast in a differnt country, an urge to jump on a plane and jet off to somewhere new and interesting where the pressure to succeed isn't ever-present.

It's worse this semester. Doing a degree with a set profession at the end is difficult for those of us not wanting to go into that profession. While everyone else is busy applying to every law firm in the country, we're stuck thinking 'oh right, so now the real world's coming. What was it I wanted to do out there again?' People start to say things like 'You're about to turn 25, shouldn't you be settling in something by now?' and 'So what are you planning on doing after uni?' And it gets annoying. Of course society expects us to be settled into a career/lifestyle/something by this time, but I'm constantly torn between ideas, dreams and realities.

Some days I think I'll do my legal prac, be admitted to the bar, if only to have it as a qualification. On others I think there is absolutely no way I could cope with those stressful 6 months without actually having any intentions of using it. Sometimes I want desperately to do homours or masters in something historical, then I realise it will mean yet more time at uni. I know in my head it's perfectly legitimate to stay at uni for a long time, but my heart needs to understand that too and stop listening to thoughts of 'surely you should be finished by now'. And so I think of jobs I'd like in the real world, but I always find myself pulling up thinking 'But I don't have the marks for that', or 'Hah, like I'd ever be able to break into that'. Sure it's a confidence thing, but like I say, it also a head-heart knowledge thing.

Of course I have my 'in my ideal world' dreams - I'd love to work for an international organisation like the UN or Red Cross, perhaps in policy or development. I know I have a good head for planning and organisation. Or on other days I think 'Hmm, being a teacher would be good - I want to enthuse people about the awesomeness of history', but then I see my teacher friends and wonder if I could really do that. Journalist? I've thought of it and people have said it, but I'd rather be a photo journalist than anything, and haven't a clue how one goes about that kind of thing, and don't really have the photographic courage anyway.

I crave a life that takes me new places and allows me to see them not as a traveller but a participant, to share that place with people who are not there. While reflecting on this late last night I realised that I'd be happy to be anywhere, just as long as I have my camera with me and can record the essence of that place. It's a cliche, but I want to make a difference. I can't work as a nurse or doctor on the frontline of crisis, but surely my skills must allow me to do something helpful.

My fear is that I'll be labelled as 'Lovely, but just a little lost in life'. I've always had plans, but now I feel just a little directionless. Next year I have some goals - graduate, road trip with some friends around the US, but those are such short term targets. Things usually work out, and I know they do. Just look at how this year started - I was looking and applying for part time jobs, but really my heart wasn't in any of them, I knew something better was on its way. And it turned up, and my job's great. But my heart needs to understand that it'll all work out in the end, that doors will open and God's plan will slowly reveal itself. Until then I just need to keep working, keep dreaming, and keep trusting.

Ende.