Botanic Gardens, The Hothouse. 1.30pm

My celeb night.
Or
What it is like to be gawped at.

Was having dinner last night, when I spotted Ruby Wax at the next table.
I thought people were staring at her, but then realised people were staring at me!

Weird. I asked my friends whether I'd accidentally grafted
a set of bollocks to the side of my head,
or had forgotten to wear a t-shirt more interesting than me,
like every other fucker in the room...when...

"OH MY GOD" my friend screamed,
"YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE DON'T YOU!
YOU LOOK LIKE ---- --------*!"

Blimey. She was right.




* I can't tell you who this is, it is a she (thank gawd), and is performing in the festival. But if she ever saw a picture of me and this blip, well, I couldn't have her suicide on my conscience.