masks

Journal entry, July 28, 2011.
I hardly share my journal but after writing this one, felt a conviction to share.
It's a jumble of thoughts, thus no good transitions. Whatever I think at the moment, I write them down.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God,
I feel so...lonely. As if everyone, I have to act surface leveled. Feels like once some people care and loves me, and I end up trusting them, they leave me in the end.
I feel so far away from everyone.

I was sitting behind MRH today and all of a sudden, I asked myself, what are my dreams? Do I have any?

And I couldn't think of any. Like I'm an empty shell, all polished on the outside but nothing inside. Boast of you? My worth in you? Contentment in you?

I have none. Not even having a dream and a life expectation for myself. All I thought of was get married, be good to husband and kids, and that was it. Can there not be more? Things I want to achieve, things to do that goes over my limits? What happened to the Teyen that had a heart for Taiwan and want to venture back and teach English? What happened to the independence she once had? The strength that didn't need people to lean on?
This Teyen now... she cries so much. She turns bitter so fast, and seems to always long for affection. Her passion for many things...died. Spoon-fed for too long. Get back up Teyen! What happened?
God, I feel so lost within myself. As if this whole one year of college made me only put up much more masks that I don't even know which ones are masks anymore.

The people I once was not afraid of opening up to, am now. Or I can't. Fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt in the end...that always happens anyways, right?
But what if these are all lies? That satan is planting within my head? I cannot hear the voice of truth anymore.

Fight will go on though. As things are still muddled, pieces missing, and nothing clear ahead of me, it doesn't mean I will lose. Who knows? Maybe I am winning without knowing! Our lives are not cursed and every breath I'm taking is a gift.

God, you are faithful. Unfathomable.
My Savior. My love.

My dream to be that I'm in search of.