Coming Back? Starting Over?

[3:15pm. In it's raw, unedited form from a notebook.]

I just needed to get away today. Nowhere far, or even for that long. Just out of this apartment. Off the couch. Outside. Near water. Water calms me down and helps me breathe.

I needed clarity.

I needed air. To breathe. To sweat.

I thought of a forest preserve nearby that had glistening blue water. So I went.

To my disappointment, the water was not blue this time.

Looking at it just made me feel gloomier.

But, oh! There were three gorgeous brown horses nearby. An unexpected sight. They made me smile.

I've been thinking a lot about life -- particularly, happiness.

I'm not unhappy, but I've been dealt difficult cards. Everything is a waiting game. Perhaps the news about Kyle's job this morning was a breaking point. This is not what I want. This is not what we want. What do we want?

I blog about simple living and happiness. And I do what I write. I eat well, ignore the television, smile at strangers, turn down unnecessary purchases, yet... there's still something missing. It's like something is holding me back. My lack of money? My broken-down car? His job? The wedding? My website? Too much social media?

Myself?

I need a creative outlet again. I need a reason to get up and go, other than the potential risk of boredom - a word I do not usually allow in my vocabulary.

I need to take pictures again.

Not silly instagram pictures. Real ones.

I need to blip again.

I recorded four important years of my life here. Heck, they're all important but these four really showed my growth.

I left to let go because it was an addiction. I didn't have time for it. I didn't want to be online too much. I didn't like who I was. Blip has the record of a person that doesn't really exist anymore. Admittedly, I didn't want to tie my old self with my new self.

I'm constantly changing. Who I am today is not who I was two years ago and who I was two years ago was not who I was four years ago. Two years from now I will not be who I am today. I love whipping out old journals and reading entries from my former self. It's like getting to know a friend on a deeper level, constantly learning something new. I'm so glad I have these records of myself. Yet, I'm embarrassed of some of the things I have online here. This site is the only online record of my past self. I don't want to erase it but sometimes I wish I could hide it. Hide it from myself and from you.

But you know what?

This is proof of growth and change. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to dig in my past, go look.

I need to look forward. One day at a time, right?

My camera and the internet are tools. I need to use them mindfully. This means not clicking around endlessly on the site, liking and commenting on every photo I see. It means not taking too many pictures in a day.

One photo is all I need.

One photo triggers a thousand memories.

This is for me.

I need this.

So I'm here. I'm back.

And I'm ready to show you who I am.


_____________________
a year ago: motorcycle.