it appears

I lost my "pocket camera" last week. The Powershot a trusty little thing that has been around the world. (I use it and the Canon EOS and more recently and lazily the iPhone about equally.) And now I have this angsty little disappointment that I don't have my 365 streak intact. I *did* take pictures on those days, it's just that I can't post them.

But maybe letting go of that is useful. Not that the 365 was a big work of art -- I'd let myself off that hook on day one -- but posting a daily felt like a *thing* that I was committed to doing. But now there are holes. There's a lesson in there somewhere, I suppose, and probably the same one I always get: of not getting too attached to a particular process (thing, person, outcome, place, emotion, concept, measurement of success), not getting rigid.

Still try. Aim to finish things earnestly. But be ok if it all blows up.

This is something I love about dog agility. I go to trials hoping for nice clean fast runs. And almost inevitably it goes off the rails -- a broken start, a knocked bar, an off course -- and I have to keep running as if nothing has gone wrong, and let go of it and get ready for another run. A few weeks ago I was devastated when I FORGOT the jumpers course while running Rumor. Tearful. Fucked up. Because we'd had a bad weekend and I thought, Here is our chance. And by the seventh obstacle I was lost. But I had to run Hemi six dogs later, and even though he isn't that fast he Qed and took 2nd place. And it felt ok. Not great. Not triumphant. Just, ok. Which isn't really fair to Hemi -- not that he noticed, he got all the same treats. But I've been so focused on doing it right with Rumor -- who is flashy and fast but also often a maniacal disaster -- that I haven't really noticed how well Hemi has come along.

And so now with this, well, it's ok. It is just not 100%. But this is where I am at right now. Home. In the garden. Watching the peonies that bloomed while I was away start to fall over.