Why magic is shit.

Cheesy smiling git. Check.
Pert bottomed plastic faced android. Check.
Embarrassingly over the top shite movements. Check.
Unconvincing cardboard props. Check.
Rubbish black cloth which "magician" waves around. Check.
Crap muzak you wouldn't play to annoy a deaf neighbour. Check.

And what does 'magic' create with all this cack?

Doves? DOVES?
A paper flower bouquet? SHITTING BRILLIANT.
If a man presented me with one of these
no-one could convince me a good kicking wasn't in order.
OR
a miraculously unmaimed plastic faced android? Oh PLEASE.

Why can't they 'magic' something good?

Money.
A tin opener (always useful)
A pair of amazing shoes you once saw in the sales, but not in your size.

Now that really would be magic.

Think I might need a holiday.