Homebound

"Mr Jones, cuper cool
While you were out we were pissing in your pool" Carter USM

Do you know who's pissing in my pool? Everyone ever connected with broadband internet. The year is 2011 right? I'm able to send an instant text message to the other side of the world. I have 50 different channels on my TV (all showing absolute shit). We have cars running purely on solar power. This is a brave new age.

Except it isn't is it? Why? Because I live 15 miles from a decent sized City I CAN'T GET A DECENT INTERNET CONNECTION FOR ALL THE TEA IN F*CKING CHINA.

Twice while I've been writing this my connection has dropped (oops, three times) I firmly doubt I'll ever get it online. I can't get to view pictures, I can't get on Facebook, I can't get my emails I can't do a bloody thing. It may as well be 1911 in Newtoft. I started trying to upload at 3pm, it is now actually 7.30 (I haven't been at it for four hours, I've done other stuff. Thankfully electric has made it to Newtoft so I activated my vacuum cleaner and some other cleaning related bits. Definitely not my Xbox. Nuh uh).

I once wrote to my local MP about my broadband connection, and he was as much use as tits on a fish. He wrote (on my behalf) to the top geezer at BT who wrote a techincal letter back littered with patronising references to living in the sticks. How else am I meant to buy a house? I'm single and earn a pittance, do you expect me to buy a place next to the bloody telephone exchange? No. I couldn't because the exchange is in Wiuckenby and the cheapest house there costs more than I will earn in six fucking years.

Their suggestion? Try satellite broadband. At £500 set up costs? Sure no worries, I'll tell you what I'll go and pick the fresh twenties off my money tree shall I? When I bought this bloddy house BT told me broadband was not a problem. It isn't, not even a concern because I CAN'T GET IT. My Xbox sits there unable to update or join in the modern phnemenon of online gaming, my laptop is in serious threat of being launched through the living room window everytime I turn it on and I still have to get my porn from the top shelf of my flaming newsagent.

2011? Newtoft? Stick it.