One Step Back

"This means nothing to me. They way we were is the way I wanna be" - The Levellers Liberty Song

The picture may be fairly self explanatory, but my first full day on happy pills created the image all by itself. Let me give you some examples:

My friend Rachel text to ask if I was still going to her party. I declined and gave her the reason. No reply.

I'd said to my boss I was happy to drive to him and drop off my sicknote. These so called 'happy pills' are a bit of an arse kick and perhaps I shouldn't but I undertook the 60 mile round trip anyway. When I got there he left me for an hour and a half before popping over, telling me how I would still get a disciplinary on my return (in a nice way) and then sent me into town to a hardware store to take back a pump that was broken with the final words 'and don't take no for an answer'.

So essentially by taking a big step forward in seeking help (that I didn't feel I needed) I've turned myself into a taboo subject, and in terms of my employment jumped back down to the bottom step. Hence the picture.

I suppose people don't know what to say, maybe they think 'its fine he has his parents and family, they'll be there for him', yeah well I do have them and in a couple of weeks times I'm damn sure I'll appreciate them a lot more. As for the fairweather friends? Fuck 'em.

Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see myself as 'ill', I'm not sectionable and I'm not suicidal either. I'm me, the same as I always was. Okay I'm having a rough time, and I've perhaps been somewhere that 50% of folk don't go, but by next Saturday for instance I'll be back down the pub or whatever it is that 'normal' people do shortly before they analyse their whole life over 96 hours straight. I didn't like eveything I saw in that long and draining weekend, but I like even less of what I see in the cold light of day all around me.

One final thing (and I've put it in bold so anyone sick of me moaning and skimming to the bottom might notice it) as a way to amuse myself I've decided to play 'sleeping tablet roulette'. Basically you guys comment on my entry. At bedtime I then neck my pill and start randomly replying, and you get the excitement of seeing where you are!! Will you get a coherent and sensible message? Or will it be the slightly shorter assembly of words that make no sense?
Cheers for the spotlight yesterday to.